It is all about a lonely celestial dictator named Yahweh who about 6,000 years ago (you know, about the same time that Egyptians were brewing beer and Chinese were inventing glue) created the Universe and the Earth and everything in it, but he was lonely and so created a man from dirt and spit, then appointed him master gardener and zookeeper, then a short time later created the dirt man’s wife from the man's rib so that she could meet an evil talking snake who would convince her to eat a piece of forbidden magical fruit, thereby making her the pariah for all sins committed by future generations, so Yahweh fired the gardener and his foolish wife who would then produce two sons who would magically find wives (even though there were no other humans on Earth) and populate the entire planet, but years later with all the sinning going on, Yahweh would get really pissed off and drown all animals and humans (including babies, born and unborn) except for a 600-year old drunken boat builder and his family who escaped in a boat with millions of creatures and afterward apparently had the most prolific incestuous sex which produced pregnancies with extremely short gestation periods in order to repopulate the entire Earth, replete with all the various races in record time so that Yahweh could magically impregnate one of his “chosen” people, a married Jewish girl, so she could give birth to himself so he could later have himself executed, but then three days later become a zombie who, if we got sprinkled or dunked in water, and then were to pretend to cannibalize his tissue and, like good vampires, pretend to drink his blood, would forgive those horrific sins we inherited from that first rib-woman so that after we die we can live in eternal bliss side-by-side with the cannibal, serial killer and Christian convert, Jeffrey Dahmer, in that Magic Kingdom high in the sky while our more intelligent, rational, skeptical, non-believing family, friends and neighbors are tortured and burned alive "down below" for all eternity.
(pant, pant...catch breath)
Makes perfect sense to me!
*For a different perspective on the Bible you may have never heard of, read my essay Song of Songs: Biblical Porn.